Subject: Re: nails
Date: Wed, 26 Jun 1996 15:25:29 -0600
>the topic is nail polish. i don't get it and i've been assigned to write a >short rant on it and why i don't get it. please explain it.
steve,
So you want to be let in on the secret, do you? Well, I suppose I can tell you.
If you've ever been within 500 yards of a woman applying her nail polish, you will have noticed the chemical stench. Toxic fumes pour forth from these brightly-colored little bottles, killing brain cells by the millions. Women know this, and they use the stuff deliberately to destroy their higher brain functions, lower their intelligence, and deaden their awareness of a meaningless, pathetic existence. Over time, the nail-polish wearer's frontal lobe is as spongy and riddled with holes as a Creutzfeldt-Jakob cow's.
Nailpolish and its attendant fumes allow the wearer to smile when she says "Thank you for calling ConglomCo Service, kin I help yewww?" The Red Glaze (as we call it) allows the trodden-upon and mentally understimulated administrative assistant to gaze vacantly at the same monitor all day, lulled by the clackety-clack of her claws on the keyboard. It allows her to get up automatically when her boss asks for coffee and to listen to the inane conversation of her co-workers for minutes at a time, without ever once considering the fingernail's potential as a weapon.* Sorority girls use it to help them overcome the cognitive dissonance. Adolescent girls inhale it for the same reason that boys sniff airplane glue--because junior high sucks less if you're stoned. Housewives don't generally need to use the stuff, because they're at home and have keys to the liquor cabinet. Models, and those who are whores in the more literal sense, do use it. (An alarming and as-yet-unexplained side effect brought on by overexposure to NP vapor causes some of the purple-clawed creatures to festoon their workspace with Ziggy comics, Hallmark cards, and "What part of 'No' don't you understand" signs. These, alas, are usually signs that brain death from the Maybelline Toxic Shock effect is not far off.)
If you doubt this explanation, answer this: How many secretaries do you know who don't wear nail polish? How many female academics do you know who do?
Do men like it? Of course. Who wants an woman with her brain intact? You can bet Bill Clinton's wishing he'd checked the nails first.
--------------------
* But, you say, lots of men have humiliating, dead-end jobs and
unfulfilling lives, too. That is true, and it will be dealt with when we
get to the sections on "cyberporn" and "violent crime."
Scientician,
jo
ps- There's no way, of course, that a man could get away with spewing forth
such misogynistic scorn. Let me write the article.
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