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Subject: Re: Peanuts and XMas Specials
From: Chris F Chiesa,
xetwnk@shell.portal.com
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1993 08:28:05 GMT
In article <2erpqp$92f@scunix2.harvard.edu>, mlbruce@husc7.harvard.edu (Matt Bruce) writes:
> Tonight, my old dormmates and I got together to drink a bit and have a > Christmas Special marathon. While watching _A Charlie Brown Christmas_ I > was struck by this thought: What happens when the Peanuts characters > finally grow up? Which colleges do they go to? When Lucy, Sally, > Peppermint Patty, Marcy, Violet, Frieda, et all finally get breasts, whose > are largest? Smallest? If they all had a huge party the last week of the > summer before college, once everyone was loaded who would screw whom? (And > which of them, if any, would still be virgins at that point?) Of the > aforementioned girls, who would have the worst PMS? Which one would you > most like to bang? (before _or_ after they grew up)
Isn't this where "90210" came from?
If not, then read on.
I'm not "in touch" enough to speculate on college choices, so I'll skip that question right off. Lucy, Sally, et al with breasts, sex drive, and PMS? What a concept.
It's been my observation that the uglier a little girl is in elementary school, the prettier she turns out as an adult, and vice versa, with the exception of the occasional blonde who stays cute, and the occasional slut who stays ugly. Maybe it's just that most of 'em turn out pretty much average and I only notice the CONTRAST over time, but maybe not. Some real dogs from MY first-grade class turned into real wet-dream material, and vice versa... (Note that this implies the existence of "wet-dream material" in my first-grade class. Yep, I was a precocious kid.)
But I digress. If we take my theory as a working hypothesis, we deduce the following table:
Girl As a kid Grown up
-------- -------- --------
Lucy ugly bitch gorgeous bitch - svelte, average breasts,
nuclear PMS
Violet cute bitch ugly bitch - got fat; breasts two dif-
ferent sizes, with hair. PMS? Who
can tell with that underside-of-a-
doormat personality?
Sally cute blonde cute blonde - perfect body, 38DD's,
no PMS to speak of.
Frieda ugly airhead average airhead - average body, small
(almost no) breasts, PMS consists
of four days of crying
Marcy average average - "aspirins on a board,"
boy's figure, minimal periods,
NO PMS WHATSOEVER
P. Patty ugly hippie slut ugly hippie slut - sturdy body, well-
proportioned for heavy lifting,
ponderous floppy 40+ breasts,
heavy, messy periods, some PMS
Now, as for who's-screwing-whom the last night before college... we have to bring in the boys (men now). I don't have a formula for male maturity processes, so I'll just dedicate a small paragraph to each relationship.
Schroeder, without a doubt, is as queer as a three-dollar bill. Hasn't gotten laid but doesn't mind much -- he's still got his piano, or rather a bank of digital synth keyboards, and his right hand. On the night of the drunken bash, he... well, you'll see. Later, at music school, he goes through a series of "close friends," not all of whom have conducted their sex lives with great decorum, and just about the time Schroeder begins to become known as a great pianist, he begins to die of AIDS. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Read on.
Lucy is still a virgin except for one pre-adolescent incestuous incident with Linus: she tricked him into it by misinforming him about the Facts of Life the way she used to about so many other things. Lucy wants to get laid, but still has the hots for Schroeder, so on that fateful drunken night she unsuccessfully attempts to "convert" him back to the straight road. This goes so badly that Lucy bears the emotional scars for the rest of her life, staying celibate through college and then becoming a lesbian Ice Queen dominatrix.
Linus has never gotten over the shock and trauma of his incestual rape at Lucy's hands. Therapy might've helped once, but that was years ago, neither he nor Lucy ever TOLD anyone about the incident, and for all intents and purposes it's too late: Linus is sexually confused. Marcy appeals to him on an intellectual level, but there's a triangle with that blonde bombshell Sally who's been chasing him forever and keeps mailing him her used and smelly panties. Linus thinks he doesn't know what to do with a girl (Lucy misled him pretty badly) and is terrified of both Marcy AND Sally when you get right down to it. He thinks he may be gay, but is afraid to talk to Schroeder. This stuff stews for a few more years without resolution, until Linus buys an assault rifle, goes on a rampage in a commuter train or a McDonald's, and kills seven people "before turning the gun on himself."
Sally is, as mentioned, a fox by this point, and could get ANY guy to fuck her just by waving a snatch-scented finger past his face, but she's been foolishly holding out for Linus and using Snoopy for sexual relief. Ol' Snoop's getting a little old by this point, but he can still lick Sal into a frenzy when he gets a whiff of her pussy. "The Red Baron goes DOWN!!!" says his thought balloon, as he dives for Sally's fox-hole. A few years later Sally says to Hell with Linus and takes up with his brother Rerun; she can swallow pretty much the same DNA chains when HE cums on her tonsils, as she would if it were Linus, so it works out pretty well. After Linus goes apeshit (see above), Rerun begins to suffer flashbacks at the moment of orgasm, to his days of riding around on the back of his mother's bike, but Sal's learned to live with it -- it beats a bedful of dog drool. Snoopy dies during this period, a hundred and fifty dog-years old but having lived a very full life. He is buried with his WWI Flying Ace goggles and scarf, and his doghouse is ceremonially burned down.
Peppermint Patty must have had hippie parents, or picked up hippie ways on her own. She describes herself as "earthy," goes barefoot year 'round, uses a natural sponge for her excessively heavy monthly flow (perhaps you saw her article reprinted here by Trashy recently), is the earth-mother of a circle of nature-worshipping pagans, and will fuck anything that moves but still has a special interest in good ol' Charlie Brown. She's been coming on to CB for years, making tongue motions at him when no one is looking, and once even flashing him a glimpse of her enormous, large-nippled breasts from the minimal shelter of the open doors of a storage cabinet in the school Supply Room. Too bad she's got more hair on her arms than he does, at least until... well, I don't want to spoil it.
Charlie Brown... heh. You'd never know it to look at him, but he's the horny sex-maniac of the gang. He's been hot as a goat since the strip was first published, and had his first orgasm at the tip of Snoopy's tongue shortly thereafter, albeit off camera. But who to fuck? Snoopy's busy with Sally these days. And you remember the Little Red-Haired Girl? The LRHG grew up to be both beautiful and sensitive as a teenager, and was just beginning to return Charlie Brown's devotion as the beautiful and long-suffering thing it was, when she was brutally and messily struck down by a speeding car: closed-casket funeral. CB was crushed, and finally gave in to Peppermint Patty's greasy advances. Much to his mixed surprise, delight, and disgust, it turns out that PP gives teriffic head and fucks like a mink; CB is disgusted at his physical lust for this repulsive creature, but his choad keeps him crawling back to her dirty slit. The night of that party, they do it anally for the first time and CB knows he'll be making a lot of weekend trips back home from college, at least until he finds a more worthy fuck at school. He actually DOES find a fuck at school: another fat chick whose primary endorsement is that she is a couple of tanks of gas closer to hand than Peppermint Patty. CB and PP gradually drift apart, and CB ends up marrying the Fat Chick. Every morning he gets up, looks in the mirror, and tries to convince himself that he Really Does Love Her. Really. Every day for the rest of his life.
Marcy has never shown a lick of interest in sex, and doesn't fuck anyone the night of the party, just stays by the fire (on the beach), swilling straight gin (her one vice) from a bottle. A few years later her lack of sexual interest rouses her own worries, but it's too late: a long overdue Pap smear shows advanced cancer, which kills her at age 22.
Frieda doesn't have a clue about anything but that fucking CAT of hers, and even there she has failed to notice that the damned thing DIED in 1982 and is now STIFF rather than LIMP in her arms. All she knows about Sex is what her mother told her: "it's evil, something women have to put up with, if they get married, for the sake of having babies." She doesn't even GO to the end-of-school wingding because she hears that there's "probably gonna be beer," or worse. Instead, she stays home and writes r.p.c. drivel from her dad's computer.
Anybody remember "Shermy," who appeared now and then 'way early in the strip? Well, not to worry. He died of a dread disease and won't be appearing in tonight's feature. Nobody misses him anyway.
Pigpen. I have but one word for Pigpen: "coprophilia." It was only a matter of time before he moved on from dirt to shit, really. The night of the party he winds up licking Sally's and Snoopy's assholes while THEY get oral-genital together, and a good time is had by all, but it's not a permanent thing. Pigpen later finds a career in European porn video and sends Sally the occasional dirty postcard with a few wistful words of memoirs. Oddly, Frieda's dad has a GIF of Pigpen on his computer, but doesn't realize who it is. He just shows it to all his friends when they come over.
Woodstock (for completeness) got a bug up his ass one year and decided to try migration for the first time at the age of thirty. He got about a block and a half south and was shot by a kid with a BB gun who thought he was killing pigeons. Maybe the kid was right; what the hell kind of bird IS^H^HWAS Woodstock, anyway?
And that's how -I- think Peanuts played out.
Chris "Charlie Brown" Chiesa
xetwnk@shell.portal.com
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